The Guide to Cryptids of the Pacific Northwest
If you find yourself deep within the dense Cascadian forests, through the rolling hills and across the winding rivers, you may encounter a certain peculiar creature. Or two. Or three. As you may come to discover, these forests hide secret beasts not known to the general public. Cryptids, they are often called. These cryptids come in many forms. Land-dwellers, sea serpents, night stalkers. Legend says that these cold, misty mountains of the Northwest conceal many, many strange, unique species.
You’re likely familiar with Bigfoot, the 10-foot-tall furry beast that roams around in the Oregonian forests. It’s unknown how many Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) there are lurking in the wild. They’re so elusive and hidden that few people even acknowledge their existence. Even fewer people have encountered these strange creatures. However, if you happen to become one of the few to have a run-in with a Bigfoot, here’s what you need to do:
Offer them a snack. They love food. Especially cookies. They can’t bake any themselves.
They really enjoy playing games. Keep an UNO deck on you if you ever travel out to the woods.
If you’re camping, invite them to sit around the fire with you. They tell fantastic ghost stories.
Do NOT be scared of them. It hurts their feelings.
You’re less likely to be familiar with Bigfoot’s evil cousin, Batsquatch. Legend says that when Mount St. Helens erupted in 1980, it brought up a half-bat, half-Sasquatch creature, straight from the fiery pits of the underworld. Witnesses say Batsquatch features the body of Bigfoot, only with the dark, pointed wings and midnight blue fur of a bat. It is highly advised to avoid this creature at all costs, as it is aggressive on sight. But with its ability to fly and echolocate, it might see you long before you see it. If you happen to become one of the poor souls who stumble across the wicked Batsquatch, remember these things:
Bats love fruit. If the Batsquatch attacks, you might be able to distract it long enough to get away if you toss a couple of raisins at it.
The creature only comes out at night. If you are out at night in the woods, make sure you have your emergency raisins.
The Batsquatch looks an awful lot like Bigfoot from a distance. If you happen upon a 10-foot-tall furry beast in the woods, look for Batsquatch’s distinguishing wings. Also, take a picture.
Sasquatches and sasquatch-like creatures are not the only cryptids lurking in the wilderness of the Northwest. The Columbia River is the dividing point between the border of Oregon and Washington. It’s also home to Colossal Claude, the most fearsome critter in the area. Reports say Claude measures at about 40 feet long, with a long snake-like body, and the head of a horse. This serpentine creature has not been spotted since the 60s, meaning it’s gotten better at hiding. It’s advised to not go looking for Claude, as he’s probably hiding for a reason. Maybe he didn’t like all the attention he was getting in the papers. If you’re on the Columbia one day and you see Claude, it’s recommended that you:
Leave him alone. He likes to keep to himself.
Give him something to pass the time, like a book or a fun toy. It’s gotta be pretty boring hiding at the bottom of a river for so long. He’d probably appreciate it.
Do NOT take a picture of him. Again, he likes to keep to himself. He wouldn’t like it if people were taking photos of him without his permission.
Hopefully, now after reading this, you’ll be more prepared for cryptid encounters. Of course, this guide was unable to cover every cryptid in the Pacific Northwest. There are many that have been reported and discovered, but who knows how many more are out there? Nobody knows what undiscovered creatures there are lurking in the lush forests, atop the foggy peaks, at the bottom of the cold lakes. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the one to uncover a new cryptid someday.
About the author: Brian Stimson is a first-year Planning, Public Policy and Management major. This is his first term working with Align.