Your Boyfriend is Embarassing: A Take on the Vogue Article
The recent publication of “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” by Chanté Joseph came with a huge amount of both backlash and support. On one side, people were making montage clips of cute moments of their boyfriends with the caption “Not My Boyfriend,” while on the other, people celebrated the fact that Vogue loved independent women and being single was the new “chic.” I’m all for the latter side, but what is disappointing is that both sides completely missed the whole point of the article. Having a boyfriend isn’t necessarily embarrassing, or at least, that is not the message that the original author wanted to convey.
The main conclusion of the article was the focus on the politicalization of our identity relating to our heterosexual love lives. Throughout history, it was praised for women to find a man that was the (so-called) love of their life in order to settle down, have kids, buy a home, and ultimately live happily ever after. However, in current times, it seems as though that concept has taken a complete 180. We have redirected towards the celebration of independence. Independent women are the new chic, with no attachments and only time for themselves and their friends. They don’t need anyone, and frankly, if they do, it is seen as embarrassing and even degrading. You don’t want to rely on a man for your well-being. Neither side is correct.
“As much as we think we’re living in relatively progressive times, there appears to be a widespread reluctance to take a closer or more nuanced look at heterosexual dynamics, and the ways in which they may not exactly be serving us.” -Chanté Joseph
The problem originates in the fact that today, especially on social media, heterosexual relationships are being positioned so they are either punished or rewarded by society. Being a “cool girl” has come to be defined as a woman who is independent, thus framing being single as morally superior. In most relationships, men are rarely criticized for their girlfriend’s appearance or actions. Meanwhile, the women are severely criticized if their boyfriend doesn’t dress up or treat them a certain way. What are their political views? What are their future career goals? These questions are drilled into the girlfriend's side, painting the boyfriend as someone they have to control and fix to prevent them from ruining the woman’s reputation. Toxic heterosexual dynamics cannot be fixed if the accountability isn’t shared by both sides of the party.
I have had my fair share of experiences with incompetent men and one or two embarrassing boyfriends. A relationship takes a lot of work. I love being independent and being able to not worry or obsess about a man. But at the same time, I will always feel a little jealousy when I see couples on romantic dinner dates or two people laughing, practically skipping down the street hand in hand. Or when I’m watching romcoms all by myself thinking about how I don't have anyone to remake any of the romantic scenes. That sounds depressing, but it is totally okay to feel this way. The point of the Vogue article is not that women shouldn’t have boyfriends or shouldn't be in couples, but that it should not define who you are. Even though I have had my bad experiences with men, I am still a romantic at heart and continue to save Pinterest pins of cute couples for my future boyfriend. But I don't let that define me. I don’t let heterosexuality define who I am or affect any part of my own dependence. My goals and ambitions should never be dependent or affected by any person, especially if they don’t deserve that type of recognition.
I wonder whether the original piece touched such a nerve because our obsession with straight coupledom—what it means, the ways in which it’s for so long been positioned as aspirational—conceals a lot of the unsavory things we’d rather not address, mostly because they’re too sticky and complicated to fix all at once. -Chanté Joseph
The cultural meaning of having a boyfriend has shifted. In his article, Chanté wanted to spark a conversation about how identity, social and gender norms, and social media have shaped our perception of love and independence. It seems as though society only believes that women can have one or the other; strong independence or a romantic partner. But the truth is, we can have both. Everyone yearns for another person’s love, just as they yearn for their own self-love.
And that is, again, totally okay. Women can be independent but also be in love. Seeking love should never hold you back from still being independent and pursuing your own dreams, and vice-versa. The only way that both can be accomplished is by not letting a romantic relationship define who you are. So go ahead and love whomever you want – while living your life on your own terms. Just make sure that your boyfriend can keep up with you. If he can’t, there's plenty more romcoms to watch and fish in the sea.
From my favorite rom-com: 27 Dresses